13 April 2011, 2:30pm
i realized something about an hour and a half ago. and i'm terribly saddened by it. today was the last day for winter '11 classes. i've had this ballet-modern fusion class for technique every day. and i have loved it.
but today was the last day. and because i'm graduating, probably the last time i'll every dance in a modern class here at BYU.
we were performing this awesome combination today. but in groups we had created. i didn't want to step on anyone's toes, so i didn't ask to join one. and as i watching, i got the most intense desire to perform with such passion! but there i was, starting and stopping everyone else's music. and i didn't even have the guts to ask if i could do a solo.
why has fear ruled my decisions here? why have i let fear rule my decisions?! when most everyone had left, i still did a little improv in the corner, strong and desiring. Desiring to be the dancer that is inside me, screaming to get out.
how many times have i destroyed my own chances? too many to count. why did i do this to myself?! i felt quite the powerful witness while i was watching my classmates - most of them being incredible dancers and performers - that if i had tried harder, i would move like that. and i could have been on the top companies here. it's my own fault i wasn't.
but i also felt a glimmer of hope. i'm going to be 22 in seventeen days. that still leaves me with time to prove myself. i don't want to prove myself to anyone but the person who has continually dragged me down. ME. i want to become the dancer who is screaming inside of my body!
this is going to be so hard for me. but i just want to remember that feeling from the end of class today. i WILL be a powerful, dynamic dancer. i'm NOT giving up on this dream. i pray joey, aaron, and the others who follow can forgive me this selfish desire. but how can i help my husband and children on their paths if i don't have the courage to do it for myself?
i WILL rid myself of this fear. "get thee hence satan!" with faith and prayers, i will do this!
i realized something about an hour and a half ago. and i'm terribly saddened by it. today was the last day for winter '11 classes. i've had this ballet-modern fusion class for technique every day. and i have loved it.
but today was the last day. and because i'm graduating, probably the last time i'll every dance in a modern class here at BYU.
we were performing this awesome combination today. but in groups we had created. i didn't want to step on anyone's toes, so i didn't ask to join one. and as i watching, i got the most intense desire to perform with such passion! but there i was, starting and stopping everyone else's music. and i didn't even have the guts to ask if i could do a solo.
why has fear ruled my decisions here? why have i let fear rule my decisions?! when most everyone had left, i still did a little improv in the corner, strong and desiring. Desiring to be the dancer that is inside me, screaming to get out.
how many times have i destroyed my own chances? too many to count. why did i do this to myself?! i felt quite the powerful witness while i was watching my classmates - most of them being incredible dancers and performers - that if i had tried harder, i would move like that. and i could have been on the top companies here. it's my own fault i wasn't.
but i also felt a glimmer of hope. i'm going to be 22 in seventeen days. that still leaves me with time to prove myself. i don't want to prove myself to anyone but the person who has continually dragged me down. ME. i want to become the dancer who is screaming inside of my body!
this is going to be so hard for me. but i just want to remember that feeling from the end of class today. i WILL be a powerful, dynamic dancer. i'm NOT giving up on this dream. i pray joey, aaron, and the others who follow can forgive me this selfish desire. but how can i help my husband and children on their paths if i don't have the courage to do it for myself?
i WILL rid myself of this fear. "get thee hence satan!" with faith and prayers, i will do this!
This was shared with me. It can be applied in a variety of ways. :)
ReplyDeletehttp://lds.org/ensign/2011/02/his-grace-is-sufficient?lang=eng
thanks em :)
ReplyDeleteI was feeling this exact same way in my last dance class on wednesday as well! I was so sad that I always let myself feel inferior to everyone and that I hadn't chosen to work harder to become the dancer inside as well, I'm glad I'm not the only one who has been feeling this way!!!
ReplyDeleteget it girl. it's OKAY to be selfish every once in a while. that being said, a desire to better yourself isn't the most selfish thing a person could want. a better you is better for everyone else :) LOVE you
ReplyDelete