i was just visiting a friend's blog, and she has some new websites up that are fantastic. i really think they are great. and then i watched some dance videos she created (awesome!) that filmed those who were/are in my classes, and still will be at byu...
and now i'm in a rather bad feel-sorry-for-me mood. i can't help but think that maybe my leaving byu this year is too soon. i feel like i had to really recognize myself as a dancer, grow into my own body, and explore the world of dance those first 2 years i was here. and these last 2 are the ones where i've only really begun the full-on college dance experience.
and so even though my credits are completely fulfilled now (finishing up my last 3 now), i feel like i should still be signing up for classes so as to be able to enjoy the full performing experience that i never took advantage of my first 2 years. i know it's silly, completely unreasonable, and pretty much impossible. i also know everything went down the way it did and was not going to happen any other way without changing my entire life and my whole personality.
but that does not mean it doesn't makes me ache, literally and physically ache, at what i did not do. i'm afraid this growing process has been incredibly painful for me. i never really felt like i fit in with my class (meaning those around the general age and graduation time frame i have been), and i never really felt like a truly good dancer until i gave it my all, and was then promptly shut down 2 weeks later. i still wonder who the one person was that stood up for me so that i could be in the major... i know there is more than one teacher who was against it...
don't get me wrong. i've learned a lot, and enjoyed most of my time here. again, i know it couldn't really have happened any other way. and i'm incredibly excited for this new little life to come to me and joey, so i can help teach him and guide him in the ways of the Lord.
i just wish i hadn't let fear keep such a tight grip on me until this past semester. i know what i'm going to do now, though, if it's any consolation to myself.
i'm going to choreograph mini dances for myself, and record them. i've been watching the naptime dancers blog, and watching friends' videos they made in their spare time. i don't have the courage to start today. but i am going to, as soon as my 3 last classes are done. because i can't give up on this. as hard as it is on my self-esteem, i just can't give in and let fear have the final say.
so here's for post #100. and my inner dancer, once having been allowed to shine, then battered back down. it's time to come back out, and not give in yet again.
and now i'm in a rather bad feel-sorry-for-me mood. i can't help but think that maybe my leaving byu this year is too soon. i feel like i had to really recognize myself as a dancer, grow into my own body, and explore the world of dance those first 2 years i was here. and these last 2 are the ones where i've only really begun the full-on college dance experience.
and so even though my credits are completely fulfilled now (finishing up my last 3 now), i feel like i should still be signing up for classes so as to be able to enjoy the full performing experience that i never took advantage of my first 2 years. i know it's silly, completely unreasonable, and pretty much impossible. i also know everything went down the way it did and was not going to happen any other way without changing my entire life and my whole personality.
but that does not mean it doesn't makes me ache, literally and physically ache, at what i did not do. i'm afraid this growing process has been incredibly painful for me. i never really felt like i fit in with my class (meaning those around the general age and graduation time frame i have been), and i never really felt like a truly good dancer until i gave it my all, and was then promptly shut down 2 weeks later. i still wonder who the one person was that stood up for me so that i could be in the major... i know there is more than one teacher who was against it...
don't get me wrong. i've learned a lot, and enjoyed most of my time here. again, i know it couldn't really have happened any other way. and i'm incredibly excited for this new little life to come to me and joey, so i can help teach him and guide him in the ways of the Lord.
i just wish i hadn't let fear keep such a tight grip on me until this past semester. i know what i'm going to do now, though, if it's any consolation to myself.
i'm going to choreograph mini dances for myself, and record them. i've been watching the naptime dancers blog, and watching friends' videos they made in their spare time. i don't have the courage to start today. but i am going to, as soon as my 3 last classes are done. because i can't give up on this. as hard as it is on my self-esteem, i just can't give in and let fear have the final say.
so here's for post #100. and my inner dancer, once having been allowed to shine, then battered back down. it's time to come back out, and not give in yet again.
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