remember my senior project?

i just finished watching my last performance of it on a dvd that i was able to get.  no you can't see it, there have been too many issues with copyright laws, which really stinks because i would love to see the other pieces, too.  but i'm just so grateful i at least have a copy of my performance, to see how i've progressed.

and the first instinct i have is to say something like, "oh my goodness, i suck!  look at this and that, oh that was a terrible way to do that, couldn't i have made that longer, oh that should have been so much more powerful..."  and on and on.

but as i watched this, i remembered the feelings i had after this weekend performance was over - one of satisfaction.  not of perfection, but calm satisfaction.  and my viewing process changed.  ooooh boy howdy can i make improvements in the way i move - particularly the fast and sharp movements that looked more sloppy than polished.  BUT.  i was performing more than i have ever performed.  i was giving it my all.  i was moving BIG (yes, me!), and i was using focus, and for most of the piece you could tell there was energy all the way down to my fingertips - and beyond.  i wasn't just dancing in my own little space for myself - it was movement with meaning, for others to see and share.  i could tell that pregnancy and childbirth had set me back a teeny tiny bit in some aspects.  but i realized that those are a permanent part of me, those experiences, and so i began to notice how those enhanced my performance, not detracting from it.

i kept thinking that i wish i had done better for my choreographer, who gave me so much help and guidance.  i was thinking how she deserved a better performance.  and then i thought, well, this was me performing, not my choreographer, not another dancer.  and suddenly, with no one else to compare to, i started to really see the improvements that i described above.  and i remembered feeling that same way when performing: not comparing myself to others, i let myself give in to the movement.

so was i still cringing at some things?  well, if i'm being honest, yes.  but can i say i've changed and improved for the better?  yes.  will i ever dance like the dance heroes you read about and see?  um, no.  will i always dance like me?  yes.  is this a bad thing?  NO. it's actually quite alright.

so no feelings of perfection emerged.  just feelings of satisfaction.  good job, me :)

i dance for myself...

... and i dance for him.

[dancing keeps me sane, which is good for everyone :)]